Day 58: Pizza

I thought I was ready for anything the Bunco could throw at me, but then there was pizza. Crap. The upshot is that I had 3 slices of pizza and 1/2 cup of ice cream. Since I had saved 1000 calories just in case I don't think I did too much damage.

I think that I will put the scale up for a couple of weeks because I think that the potential for me getting hung up on a number is high and I don't need any more obstacles right now. I will dust it off when I am feeling a little more confident.

Day 57

I weighed in yesterday at 209. If I weren't so fat I would turn cartwheels. This means that there are only 29 more to go to be at my pre children weight. I have Bunco tonight and it will be full of junk food most likely, but I have a plan to eat small portions and eat the veggies and fruit.

The challenge is going to be this weekend. We are going away for the weekend to visit family and it will be very food centered. I am concerned because I could be eating poorly for potentially 9 meals. As I am typing this it occurs to me that there are going to be 4 out of those 9 that I will not have control over what is being served, so why not just try to make best available choices for 5 of them.

We are hitting the road Friday at 4 a.m. and I want to avoid starting my day with 1000 calories of Denny's so I am planning on packing a healthful take-a-long breakfast of whole grain turkey and egg sandwiches, toasted along with strawberry and banana smoothies for the kids and a nonfat latte from Starbucks on the way out. I think that apple wedges, almonds and string cheese will keep us going until we get to our destination.

I guess that is the whole point of this new life. Not giving in. Not giving up. That is what got me in this position to start with. I was like, it's going to be too hard to make healthy choices so oh well, I guess I will make our trip an all I can cram in smorgasbord and call it a day.

Not anymore. And if I make less than healthful decisions I know that regardless on Monday morning I will be back to my routine.

Day 55

Things have been quiet around here because of the same reason I always suspect when a diet blogger pipes down: I feel unsuccessful. Not because I have gone off into a pie face first or anything, but rather the bastard scale isn't doing what I want it to do, I had a few less than perfect meals and I now I just want to throw a tantrum.

This is the craziness that dieting has always led me to. Freaking out over the slightest thing, wanting to be perfect. I am slowly realizing that I am not perfect. Nor is life. This long road I am on can take one or two directions and I'll be damned if I am going back down to Lardville, population 1.

Today I had my calories all planned out, but I was thrown a curve ball: I was starving. If hungry were people, I'd have been China. BUT, I didn't want to go over my calories. So I fretted. and I worried, and I could have eaten bugs and I finally came to my senses. I AM HUNGRY SO I AM GOING TO EAT, EINSTEIN. I was out of fresh fruit and so I went for an Odwalla superfood bar and overall I still stayed under 1600 calories so I should feel fine about that.

One foot in front of the other.....

Day 48: Trial and Error

The exciting news for the day is that the scale read 210.5 this morning! Most of my pants were getting to look a little.....let's say, Clownish, for lack of a better word. My sister had given me a pair of her old fat pants that had been too tight for me and I was surprised that they fit now.

Things have been mostly good on the eating front, although there was a run in with a birthday cake that resulted in the cake losing two pieces to my gaping cake hole, but besides that, all is well.

I am realizing that some calories just aren't worth eating because things like my beloved nonfat latte just don't do anything to keep me full. I would much rather have a giant apple when I am really hungry. So I have swapped it out for iced green tea. Zero calories and it fills my need to spend money in the drive thru Starbucks.

How is your week going?

Day 42: Feeling Strong

The weekend went off without a hitch. I made the healthiest choices I could, had a great time, ate some cake at the birthday celebrations and then pitched the rest of it into the trash when we got home. It felt so wrong to throw away cake, but my body just didn't need it. I even threw in some dirty diapers on top of it just in case I got any wild ideas. I have exercised 6 times in the past week and have started doing a Pilates dvd. I can't believe it! Me! Doing a Yogaish activity!

Also, the scale says 213 so we are moving in the right direction. Things are going so well. And see? I have a really good reason to get healthy!

Day 37: Thinking Thin

I watched the 2nd episode of I Can Make You Thin last night and despite it's infomercial feel, I quite enjoyed it. I don't think the tapping will be all that useful as emotional eating isn't a huge problem for me. Or maybe it is? Is it?

I am entering a phase where I am really analyzing my food intake and the hows and whys of my eating patterns. I also am following the suggestion from the show and others to Think Thin. Interesting concept. I can pretend that I am already thin. What will I eat? How will I exercise? What will I feel like? I am really having a good time with this and am leaving food on my plate and this morning had a major NSV when I ordered a tall sized nonfat latte instead of a venti. Many calories saved and I enjoyed it just as much.

Today is my husband's birthday and we are going out for fish and chips. I was totally freaking out about it for the past week because my baby is turning one (one year already?) on Monday and her big party is tomorrow. There are three cakes in my house. I love cake. I had to take a deep breath and calm myself down. I realized that HEY YOU, you don't have to pig out! Order the small fish and don't finish it! Eat until you are FULL and then STOP shoving it into your gaping cake hole.

I think I am going to be ok.

Day 33: One Third

Here we are about one third into this first 100 days of the rest of my life and I thought I would share of the changes that have happened in my life:

• This is the one I am most excited about! I can get out of bed in the morning without feeling like I am tearing my toenails out. Awesome.
• My skin has cleared up.
• I am full ALL THE TIME. I know. Makes no sense to be eating a third of the calories I am used to and be stuffed, but it is true. The types of food I am eating are so packed full of nutrients that I can barely get it all down. My goal is to eat 1500-1800 calories a day, but I think I am between 1200-1400 most days.
• Eating out is no fun anymore. Whatever they have that is healthy usually tastes like crap so why would I want to spend money on that when I can have home cooking with none of the preservatives or Franken Food.
• I can still indulge sometimes. Like one meal a week I don't pay attention to the calories so closely.
• I don't feel deprived. I FEEL GREAT!

Sample day food:

Breakfast: Double fiber english muffin with 1T natural peanut butter, 1/2T raw honey and 4 dried apricots

Lunch: Homemade bean and veggie soup and an apple

Snack: Soy Crisps

Dinner: Veggie chicken stirfry with brown rice and Strawberries

All real food, all healthy and delicious! Did I mention that it is filling?

To anyone who is thinking that they are too far gone to change.......YOU CAN DO THIS! If I can, you can!

Meme

Found this at Dottie's Place and I had to do it!

1. Cellphone: pocket
2. Relationship: amazing
3. My hair: normal
4. Work: WAHM
5. My sibling/siblings: sister
6. My favorite thing: daughters
7. My dream last night: scary
8. Favorite drink: coke
9. Dream car: electric
10. The room I’m in : diningroom
11. My shoes: loafers
12. My fears: fearsome
13. What do I want to be in 10 years: vivacious
14. Who did I hang out with this weekend: family
15. What I am not good at: skiing
16. Muffin: poppyseed
17. One of my wish list items: pool
18. Where I grew up: Oregon
19. Last thing I did: housework
20. Wearing: clothes
21. Not wearing: earings
22. My pets: heaven
23. My computer: busy
24. My life: fabulous
25. My mood: content
26. Missing: Dad
27. What I am thinking about right now: Easter
28. My car: Minivan
29. My kitchen: small
30. My weather: rainy
31. Favorite color: blue
32. Last time I laughed: today
33. Last time I cried: weeks
34. School: masters
35. Love: family

Day 31: Happy Easter!

Happy Easter! We are busy greeting the Easter Bunny and digging through baskets full of treasure (mostly non-food) with our church friends and family. As I mentioned, I am not going to obsess about the food I eat today. My mind is strong and tommorow I will get right back in step with where I was yesterday. But you know what? I am really not in the mood for candy. Yeah, weird, I know. So I will just listen to my body and if that means not candy, I will listen and obey.

Today I am grateful for this new way of living.

Day 28

Had a potluck tonight at church and did the best I could. Unfortunately there was nothing too healthy available. On the upside, there was nothing too tempting either. I mean tuna noodle casserole with stale oriental noodles on top? No thanks. So I made reasonable choices and stopped worrying about it.

I joined FitDay today and I am hoping to make it a habit. At least that way I can track what I am eating and doing so that if I stall or whatever all the information is right there. I have a planned candy indulgence on Easter because I love Easter candy and I don't think that the sweets that I eat ON holidays made me fat, but the shoveling in of cadbury eggs, M&Ms and peanut butter cups by the bucket load for a month before and after that did most of the damage. I think that enjoying the day, fitting in exercise and not bringing any candy home will mitigate the damage. I don't plan on going crazy and I also am only going to eat things that I really like so that I don't overdo.

Day 25: Peachy

Yesterday went great! I ate reasonable portions of everything, including cake (it was angelfood, but still. Cake!) I also had one glass of soda and 6 pieces of candy. You know what? I didn't feel guilty! I just went home and went to the gym, did an extra 5 minutes of cardio and went on with my night. Stranger still, I didn't eat dinner because I wasn't hungry. I still sat with my family and drank some water, but I was still full so why eat?

I watched that new show I Can Make You Thin last night and it was perfect timing because he claims that by eating only when you are hungry and stopping when you are full, you will lose weight naturally. I think that is true, but only when you are eating foods that don't induce hunger like HFCS or other simple carbs. I have been trying this today and it is the damndest thing, but I have eaten much less than usual and am not hungry. I think I will add this concept to my weightloss tool box.

Day 24:Weigh In

I woke up this morning, took a deep breath and hopped on the scale. The verdict? -2 lbs! 216! Hurray!

I went to the community center and joined their fitness center yesterday. I will go there on rainy days I don't use my trampoline or videos. I think variety is going to be a good thing. The whole time I was on the elliptical and treadmill yesterday I kept telling myself that if I just do this for 20-30 min most days of my life, then I NEVER have to feel so miserable as I was before again. One foot in front of the other.

I have my first difficult social function, a luncheon and Easter egg hunt. I have decided to try to eat normal portions of everything that looks good and maybe even eat some candy. Then? Right back on track. I plan on enjoying myself because this new way of living is indeed about living, not being miserable. If I deprive myself to much I am going to go right back to where I was 3 weeks ago.

I feel so good, and not just about the numbers on the scale. I feel in control.

Day 21: Real Life

Today was a hard day. I was stuck in the house all day with grumpy kids and I was SLEEPY and the baby was sick and wouldn't nap and you know what? I still ate healthy. I wanted to eat for comfort. But I didn't. I also didn't exercise, but I think that 5 or 6 days a week at this point is a healthy start.

I am trying out my own plan of having a 90% rule. If I eat good 90% of the time then the other 10% I can have some wiggle room. What this translates to is that out of 21 meals in a week, if I eat well for 19 of them, I can be free to enjoy a bit at a couple of meals when we are out with friends or at a party. Seems reasonable to me.

I will get to test this theory this weekend at an Easter egg hunt luncheon.

Wish me luck.

Day 19: Bring It

The blogs listed in the sidebar are a source of endless inspiration to me. I feel like I can take on the world. I think I am going to get Netflix so that I can try out some Tae Bo videos. I was bummed that they don't have Turbo Jam, but I have always wanted to give Billy Blanks a run for his money so I guess I should start there.

I have pretty much been exercising six days a week. Alternating between walking around the fitness trail (2.5 miles) for 45 min. and doing 25 min of trampoline jogging the rest of the days. I love my trampoline! But I also need to mix it up and I think some exercise videos might be just the thing.

Also, I am a total A-hole and I weighed again today. Guess what! I'm up a pound. That's what I deserve for being such a looky-loo.

Why did I do that?

I had mentioned earlier why I was not weighing. Then, stupid me, went and weighed. And again today, you know, to get the first thing in the morning weight. When I saw that the number hadn't gone down, I felt so deflated. And also fat.

If I can't handle a tiny disapointment, how am I going to hang tough and do this thing?

Today, I am going to put away the damned scale and reach deep down in myself for resolve and strength.

The Measurements

R Forearm- 11 1/2
R upper arm- 16 3/4
R Thigh-26 1/2
R Calf- 17
Hips- 50 1/2
Waist-44 1/2
Bust-47
Neck-15

Come on girls! There's work to do!

Day 17: Ok, ok, I give

Soooooo, I drug out the scale today because I am crazy. With a side of The Looney. I weigh less than I thought I did! Mid-day weight is......drumroll.....218.5. That leaves 38.5 lbs to get down to my pre-baby weight of 180.

So there we have it. I am aiming for a lb. a week. Slow going, but you know what? I'm worth it. My girls are worth it.

Wish me luck that I will make it through the 1 year old birthday party today without shoving my pie hole full of lasagna and cake.

Day 16:The Groove

I think that I am starting to get the hang of this. I am finding some little miracles along the way. The biggest being that when I don't eat sugar, I don't crave sugar. I am satisfied with healthy choices.

You will notice that, for the time being at least, I do not weigh in. This is because I have a touch of Scale Madness and have found that when losing weight it is too discouraging to see the fluctuations. Like I said before, I know that I have 100 lbs to lose. I am a size 20-22 pants and an 18-20 shirt. I will keep you posted as things loosen up and when I periodically weigh in.

So. How did I get so damned fat? Easy. Two babies in less than two years, endless pans of brownies and gallons of Coke. I gained 25 lbs a kid and was already 50 lbs overweight. I could still shop at regular stores before the babies...barely. I have been using nursing as an excuse for the past year, but seriously, no one needs to eat fries and burritos all day to breastfeed.

I have to get this weight down so that I can be the mother I want to be. I had a fat mom. I don't want to be one. I remember the shame and guilt I carried with me as a child and I don't want my girls to experience the same thing. The way the story goes, it was parent teacher night when I was in the 2nd grade. The teacher told me that our parents would be coming! To our classroom! To sit in our desks! Holy shit. Not so much. So with my mind racing, I went to my teacher and asked if she would put a chair next to my desk because my mom? Well, she was very.......tall. I never want my girls to have to know that kind of panic. I want to be the mom full of energy who goes outside and plays! Not the fat woman tucked in the house.

The plan I am following is simple. Whole foods. Nothing processed except small amounts of whole grains. Vegetables. Fruits. Nuts. Lean Meats. Fish. So far I feel great and it hasn't been hard because my husband rocks. I also exercise 5 days a week. Two 45 minute walks and three twenty five minute sessions running on my rebounder (mini trampoline)

This has to work. It just has to.

Day 7: The Obsession

Seven days have flown by. I have made some great starts at creating new healthy habits. The most difficult one was giving up my morning Starbucks. When I found out that a venti americano with six pumps of white mocha and cream had something like 600 calories it hit me to the extent to which I have been so unaware. How could I get so fat and not even know it? I look at pictures of myself and don't recognize the fat old lady. I'm not even 30!

I have been noticing, however, that I am getting a little bit obsessed. I think a little too much every time I cook something or put something in my mouth. If this becomes an obsession then it won't stick, I know myself. I'll get bored and move on to something else. Little, sustainable changes I keep telling myself. I have to fight my instincts that want to cut back to 1000 calories a day and exercise for hours at a time because I know that in a month I won't be able to stick with it. I want to change my life forever.

Tonight I made a quite healthy turkey hash with veggies in it. Because I felt guilty about the starchy potatoes and small amount of healthy fats I have been fighting that age-old internal struggle that says 'fuck it, just quit this and go eat some candy.' But I talked my way down from the ledge.

Something miraculous happened today! I found my Get Up Off Your Ass! I woke up early and accomplished more in one day than I have in the past 3 months. I credit the lack of sugar and preservatives with this victory.

Seven down, 93 to go

The lights are starting to coming on

Sometimes it is just best to start one foot in front of the other even if that means stumbling along the way. I have had a really great week. Exercising almost every day for 20 minutes, jogging on my little trampoline. I am sore, but not unbearably so. Just enough that I know that I did something.

I have become increasingly inspired about eating Superfoods. I love the concept of adding to my diet rather than subtracting. I know that I won't last if I am hungry so I have been eating lots, but making good choices, today, for example:

4 mini oranges
2 small handfuls of walnuts
1 string cheese
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce
1 avocado
1 oz turkey
Green tea
protein pancake
1 cup skim milk
1/2 cup brown rice
1 skinless chicken thigh
zucchini

And a treat of an Americano from Starbucks with white mocha and cream. The whole point is not deprivation, but moderation. I am not hungry and I'm not full. I'm just......ok. It's nice to feel in control. I have also lost my sugar cravings. I have loads more energy.

I'm starting to like this.

100 days

I have really been so inspired by the weight loss success stories that I have been reading. I can do this. I have a plan: 100 days of moving more, eating healthier. I will blog my progress here. I don't know where the scale is so this is an estimate. I think I am about 230 lbs, definitely wearing a size 20 in pants.

Exercising is kind of tricky because a. I am lazy and b. I have two young children that make things sort of complicated. But! No more excuses! I have a wonderful rebounder that I am going to jog on. I can either wake up early and do it or wait until their naptime, but I am bound and determined to hop on for 20 minutes a day for the next 100 days.

Making The Commitment

I am finding myself searching for inspiration these days. The visions I have for myself seem so very far off but I still go on, reading other people's success and trying to find The Formula, the one that is going to change my life forever. I really liked one woman's story about how she had been abusing herself with food for so many years. Abusing myself? Really? Maybe. Definitely. I abuse myself with food. What is holding me back?

The progress so far has been small, but good. I have started cooking almost every night. No more eating out for us. I have been hanging on to my daily Starbucks 1000 Calorie Spectacular like a drowning man to a life raft, but I think the switch to Green Tea is coming soon. No sugar thankyouverymuch. I also think that I am losing my taste for Coke, and that is truly divine intervention because seriously? That stuff is like crack and I have been addicted for so many years. I find myself drinking it out of habit, not craving and that feels really good. And Nightime Snacks of Fat Thighs? I kicked that bitch out last month.

We're getting there baby, let's make it happen.

Goals. And stuff.

I am a very goal oriented person. Or, rather, I was. Then I achieved all of them and started to feel like something is missing. I took a good look at my life and decided that things are definitely in need of some rearranging. I have turned to my dreams in search of new goals. I hear people say all the time to dream big, so that is what I have done.

In my teens and early twenties I wanted to lose weight as an attempt to fit into smaller pants and catch a man. I was overweight, but still able to shop at nearly any store I wanted. Fast forward several years and I am staring down thirty after two kids and a husband. Somewhere along the line I became fat. I shop at fat lady stores. I can't to the things I want to do. I have no energy. I am out of control. I want my life back.

My goal is to lose weight as a side effect of lifestyle changes. I am not interested in dieting, I am interested in changing my life. The ultimate goal I have is to be able to participate in yoga. Why yoga? Healthy people do yoga. People who have energy do yoga. Those who do yoga are often early risers, eat nutritious foods, drink herbal tea and from where I stand (or sit actually, my sciatica kills me when I stand) look like they are getting a lot out of life. All of these things are appealing to me.

My short term goals are a lot less lofty. They include things like:

• Wake up by 7:30 a.m.
• Shower and apply makeup each day
• Exercise for 20 minutes 5 days per week.
• Eliminate refined sugar from diet
• Eat 90% of meals at home
• Not be hungry

Enough talk, let's get moving.